Once upon a time, I had this glorious idea of taking the family to France. It was all set – bags packed, itineraries printed, and dreams of baguettes, lavender fields, and a healthy dose of culture on the horizon.

Why? Well, my wife’s heritage is a cocktail of Belgian, French, and British, and we thought it’d be the perfect opportunity to reconnect with her roots while also convincing the kids that not all holidays are staycations (thanks, Covid).

As with most of my adventures, it didn’t go to plan… at all.

The excitement, the planning, the meticulous Google searches.

We mapped out the perfect journey, a grand adventure through France with the kids – because who doesn’t want to stuff seven human beings and way too much luggage into a car and drive across Europe, right? Not quite the digital nomad lifestyle I’d pictured growing up, but I’d settle for it!

France, with its mix of culture, adventure, and natural beauty, seemed like the perfect backdrop. Here’s where we dreamed of going (and where things went oh so wrong):

The Loire Valley: A Journey Through History (Sort of)

Our first stop was going to be the “Garden of France.” We imagined ourselves strolling through the châteaux like some kind of budget royalty – Chambord, Chenonceau, the lot.

The kids would marvel at the grandeur, and we’d casually drop historical facts we half-remembered from Wikipedia. The Loire Valley also promised cycling routes through the countryside, which sounded idyllic, and exploring the fairytale castles of the Loire, until I remembered half the kids still haven’t learned to ride their bikes properly, and I also need to teach my wife!

Still, I had visions of our kids pedalling outside the châteaux while we loosely interlinked home-ed facts so we could claim it as an educational trip.

Provence: Sunlit Countryside and Cultural Delights (Or So We Thought)

Next up, Provence. Ah, Provence – the land of lavender fields, medieval villages, and tiny cars that barely fit a baguette, let alone our family.

We pictured ourselves lazily wandering through markets, buying fresh produce and cheese like we had any clue what we were doing.

It was supposed to be our time to unwind after the conundrum of school runs, but fate had other plans, as you’ll soon see.

Brittany: Coastal Adventures and Celtic Heritage (Or Not)

After that, we were going to hit Brittany. Rugged coastline, sandy beaches, and Celtic charm – it all sounded perfect. Saint-Malo was on the list, along with the Carnac Stones, which we were convinced would ignite the kids’ imaginations.

Instead, the only thing that got ignited was my temper as the universe decided our grand plans weren’t happening. Turns out, exploring Brittany’s mysteries was not on the cards.

The only mystery left was why our car picked now to give up on life. Maybe it was rebelling because it knew what was supposed to be coming next: Centre Parcs in France.

Yes, we thought we’d give the French version a try – nature, activities, it being substantially cheaper than the British counterpart, and hopefully fewer crowds.

The only thing that ran smoothly about that plan was our decision to buy travel insurance.

Dordogne: Medieval Towns and Natural Beauty (In Our Dreams)

Then there was Dordogne. We had plans to venture through medieval villages, marvel at the Lascaux Caves, and let our kids get lost in the magic of Rocamadour, precariously hanging off a cliffside.

It was going to be history brought to life. Instead, history repeated itself – because if there’s one thing our luck seems to guarantee, it’s that anything that can go wrong, will.

We even planned a detour to Disneyland Paris, hoping a bit of Disney magic could turn our luck around. But alas, the only thing we ended up riding was a wave of cancelled plans and disappointment.

I think even Walt would’ve shaken his head at our situation.

The French Alps: Year-Round Mountain Fun (Except Not This Year)

Finally, we dreamed of the French Alps. Crisp alpine air, breathtaking views, kids splashing in lakes, and us possibly indulging in a bit of chalet luxury.

Maybe I’d even get a moment to feel like an adventurer, instead of a dad perpetually wiping sticky hands and searching for missing shoes.

But alas, the French Alps had to stay right there on the vision board, and our idea to rent a luxury villa, alongside Centre Parcs and Disneyland Paris, was shattered, because life had other ideas. I suppose it’s fitting – why only have one part of the holiday fall apart when you can have the whole lot crumble spectacularly?

The Domino Effect of Disasters

We didn’t even make it out of the country, let alone to the border, before our car decided it’d had enough. A few days before leaving, the car decided to overheat. Thinking it was just a leak, I took it to the local garage, but no, it needed a new radiator (amongst other things…) and as it’s a Japanese import, the parts usually take a few days to come in.

So, I’m questioning my life choices and considering whether taking up crochet might be a better hobby than ever getting to travel again.

If that wasn’t bad enough, we hadn’t been feeling our greatest for a few days. COVID decided to tag in and take down most of us, one by one, and my second daughter had been fighting with an ear infection (which coincided with her mid-year grammar school tests… and this trip was supposed to be a final hurrah to celebrate her taking the test and hopefully getting in… although that was also a tale of trials and tribulations).

Ever tried saving a family holiday while simultaneously Googling “how many times can you catch Covid in a year?” (or maybe I just hate being a father sometimes).

Thank Goodness for Travel Insurance

So there we were – dreams dashed, plans ruined, no French baguette in sight and we weren’t going to be able to send out our personalized holiday photo cards to our friends and family this year. Instead of sipping wine under the Provençal sun, we were sipping lukewarm Lemsip in our living rooms. But hey, if there’s one thing I’ve learned as a parent (and someone who has been blessed with perpetual bad luck) it’s to always buy good insurance.

As it turns out, I had my pick of which insurer to pursue, as I have it as a perk of my house insurance policy, my debit card account, and of course, not wanting to be underinsured, I took out a third policy which did in fact reimburse all incidentals and costs (and I had a good laugh about it with the chap on the other end of the phone who also happened to be a father).

A Future French Adventure?

We didn’t make it to France this year, but you know what?

We’re still holding out hope. One day, we’ll get there. One day, we’ll explore those lavender fields, cycle those vineyard paths, and show our kids that France is more than just a place on the map we couldn’t quite reach.

And when we finally do make it, I’ll be sure to keep you all updated – probably from the side of the road with a broken-down car, knowing our luck.

Until then, the dream lives on, and maybe that makes it even sweeter. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself while I deal with whatever life decides to throw at us next (this week it’s threadworms).