Becoming a dad is one of the most rewarding, yet challenging transitions in life. A lot of attention is given to mothers’ mental health during and after pregnancy, dads face their own struggles that often go unnoticed. Mental health matters for mothers and fathers too – if we’re not looking after ourselves, how can we stay strong for our family?
In my case, the journey was made more overwhelming by my recent ADHD diagnosis – or, more accurately, my years of undiagnosed ADHD, which only came to light recently.
Looking back, it explained so much about why I always felt like I was scrambling to keep up, particularly in those early days of fatherhood. The constant feeling of needing to “mask” my struggles, especially without a strong support network, left me emotionally drained and more anxious than I would care to admit to myself.
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Recognising the Signs of Stress and Mental Health Struggles
As dads, we often put on a brave face. There’s this unspoken expectation that we should just “get on with it” and push through whatever challenges come our way. But ignoring your mental health doesn’t make you stronger – it makes things harder in the long run. And if you’re like me, masking your struggles can leave you feeling even more isolated and eventually lead to breaking down and ultimately, complete mental collapse.
For many fathers, recognising that they’re struggling with their mental health isn’t always straightforward. The signs can be subtle and easy to dismiss as just part of the stresses of everyday life. If “I’m just tired” becomes your go to response to everything, then you’re probably feeling the same way that I did, and it’s time to ask for help.
If left unchecked, these feelings can fester and they will escalate.
So how do you know when it’s time to ask for help?
Here are a few things to look out for that might indicate you’re dealing with more than just everyday stress:
- Feeling constantly overwhelmed by the demands of parenthood, work, or life in general.
- Irritability or mood swings that seem out of proportion to what’s happening around you.
- Difficulty sleeping (even when the baby is sleeping!) or feeling perpetually exhausted.
- Withdrawal from social situations or avoiding spending time with family and friends.
- Feeling disconnected from your partner, children, or even yourself.
- Engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking, smoking, or working excessively to escape stress.
My own experience, was only made worse by my lack of a support network and the constant feeling of needing to mask how I was truly feeling. With my undiagnosed ADHD in the mix, I thought my struggles were just part of my personality. I was constantly trying to hide how overwhelmed I felt – “I’m fine, just tired“, especially during the early years of fatherhood. But looking back, I now see that these were all signs that my mental health was suffering.
If you’re noticing any of these signs, stop and take a breather, because you’re on the path to burnout.
You don’t have to “tough it out.” Recognising when you need support is one of the most important steps in maintaining your mental health and is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Where to Turn for Help
The good news is that there are resources out there specifically for dads struggling with their mental health. Here are a few places to start:
- Mind – a UK-based mental health charity that provides support and information for men and fathers dealing with mental health challenges.
- DadPad – an app designed to support new dads with advice on everything from baby care to mental health.
- Fathers Network Scotland – offers resources and information on fatherhood, including mental health support for dads.
- Dad Matters – focuses on helping fathers navigate the perinatal period with their mental well-being intact.
- Paternal Mental Health Screening: Although healthcare providers are beginning to recognise the importance of screening fathers for mental health issues during and after pregnancy, it’s still not widely implemented.
Many dads, myself included, slip through the cracks. NHS initiatives like paternal mental health screening are a step in the right direction, but more needs to be done to ensure fathers aren’t facing these challenges in silence. - Therapy: I decided to take the plunge with therapy after my near complete collapse. Tackling five kids without a support network was incredibly difficult and I was in an incredibly sad and dark place. I’m ashamed to say that it took me this long to start confronting and unpacking my feelings. Shaking off the negative stigma surrounding mental health and having to seek help was one of the best things I could have done for myself and my family.
Coping Mechanisms for Stress and Anxiety
Being a dad comes with stress – there’s no avoiding it. One minute things are calm, the next, the kids are all screaming in your ear and fighting over the remote.
But the key is learning how to manage that stress. For me, finding coping mechanisms that worked with my ADHD was a life changer. What helped the most was realising that I didn’t have to rely on just one approach. By blending different strategies, I found ways to handle both the daily demands of fatherhood and the larger, unexpected challenges that come up.
Here are a few practical coping mechanisms – some of which have worked for me and other dads:
1. Mindfulness and Meditation
Mindfulness has become a bit of a buzzword lately, but for good reason. It’s a simple yet powerful way to bring yourself back to the present, which is especially helpful when your mind is racing (ADHD calling – when isn’t it). I found that even five minutes of mindfulness or meditation a day can make a huge difference in helping keep myself present and sane.
There are plenty of apps out there to help you get started, like Headspace or Calm. If, like me, you have ADHD, sitting still for long periods can be a challenge, so don’t feel pressured to meditate for 30 minutes at a time – start small and build up.
2. Physical Exercise
Physical activity has been a game-changer. Whether it’s going for a brisk walk, busting out the weights, or getting on the elliptical, moving your body helps clear your mind and reduce stress. Sometimes I just blast music and get the kids to run around with me as I throw them around the living room in a semi-passive-aggressive manor – a win for all involved.
Exercise releases endorphins, which act as natural stress relievers. Even on the days when I feel overwhelmed or too tired, I try to move in some way, knowing it’ll help me reset and tackle the day ahead.
3. Talk About It
This one might be tough for a lot of dads, myself included. Opening up about how you’re feeling can be difficult, especially if you’re used to keeping things to yourself. But talking to someone – whether it’s your partner, a friend, or a therapist – really does help lighten the mental load.
Sometimes just saying things out loud helps you process your emotions in a new way.
If you’re not ready to talk , then there are also online communities where dads can share their experiences anonymously, like the DaddiLife community.
4. Break Tasks into Manageable Chunks
One of the symptoms of ADHD that often gets in a bad mood is overwhelm. When too many things are happening at once, or when my to-do list grows too long, I freeze.
Of course, medication has helped, but being able to fragment larger tasks into smaller more managable (and actionable) tasks can help me feel like I’ve achieved something. Even if it’s not the whole task, as least I’ve made a start.
This method reduces that crushing sense of overwhelm and allows me to stay productive, even on days when my mind isn’t co-operating.
5. Self-Care is Crucial
Finally, it’s absoluitely imperitive to make time for yourself. As dads, we often feel like we need to be there for everyone else – I’ve been guilty of this time and time again. Sometimes forgetting to eat until the evening, putting off brushing teeth, or taking a minute to myself to just exist.
But the truth is, if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of your family. Self-care doesn’t have to be arduous – it could be something as simple as 10 minutes of reading, a quick walk, playing a quick game, or listening to your favourite song. (I like to plug in my guitar and jam for a bit, but time-blindness gets the better of me).
Self-care isn’t selfish – it’s essential for keeping yourself grounded, present, and able to manage the challenges of fatherhood.
When Self-Care Slips: My Experience of Everything Coming Crashing Down
I’d love to say that I’ve always been great at looking after myself, but the truth is, I wasn’t.
For a long time, I was so focused on being the “rock” for my family that I neglected my own well-being. I was running on empty, trying to do it all without ever stopping to refuel. And eventually, it all came crashing down.
The problem is, when you’re trying to be everything for everyone, you end up being nothing for yourself. For me, it led to burnout – physically, mentally, and emotionally. I wasn’t sleeping, I was irritable, and I felt disconnected from my family – the people I love the most.
Bad habits started rearing their ugly head again and the weight of everything was just crushing. That was my breaking point.
It was a wake-up call that I couldn’t keep pushing through on sheer willpower alone. I needed to take care of my mental health, not just for myself, but for my wife and children. That moment was a harsh reminder that self-care isn’t optional – it’s a necessity.
I even ended up posting about it on Instagram
The Emotional Impact of ADHD on Fatherhood
Going off on a slight tangent, as that’s what I inevitably always end up doing. I’d like to cover challenges that I’ve faced, in the hopes that maybe some of these resonate with you. ADHD or not.
ADHD doesn’t just affect my ability to focus; it can also intensify the emotional rollercoaster that comes with fatherhood. I often found myself overwhelmed with guilt – guilt for not being the “perfect dad,” for not keeping up, for needing to mask my struggles and not being good enough for my family.
This emotional toll can be one of the most challenging aspects of parenting with ADHD. But this is something that most fathers will contend with during their journey, neurodiverse or neurotypical.
I go to bed most nights feeling like I’ve not done enough for my children, feeling like I’ve failed them, even when I’ve done everything I physically could.
But I’ve come to learn that it’s important to forgive yourself. Recognising that you’re doing your best, despite these challenges, is pertinent to maintaining a stable and healthy mind.
Building a Support Network: You’re Not Alone
I guess, after all of this personal growth, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that no dad should go it alone. Fatherhood can be isolating, especially when you’re juggling work, family, and your own mental health.
I always wondered why people jokes about having so few friends in their 30’s. It really does become a challenge to keep in touch with your friends, when everyone is living their own lives and your family takes priority, even a simple message can take me a few days to respond to.
But you don’t have to carry the weight of it all by yourself. Building a strong support network is essential for staying mentally and emotionally healthy. (I’m still trying to fix this!)
Leaning on Family and Friends
It can be hard to admit when we need help, but reaching out to those closest to you – whether it’s your partner, your parents, or a close friend – can make all the difference. I found that simply opening up to my partner about how overwhelmed I was feeling helped lift some of the burden.
You might be surprised at how much support is available when you swallow your pride, and just ask for it.
Professional Support
Sometimes, the people around you aren’t enough, and that’s okay too. There are professional resources specifically designed to support fathers through the emotional ups and downs of parenthood.
Talking to a counsellor or therapist can help you on your journey and teach you to manage stress and anxiety in healthier ways.
Organisations like Mind offer support for dads facing mental health challenges, while Dad Matters focuses on helping fathers navigate the perinatal period with their mental well-being intact. These resources can provide advice, helplines, and even peer support groups where you can connect with other dads who understand what you’re going through.
Online Communities for Dads
In today’s world, you don’t even need to leave your home to find a supportive community. Online forums, social media groups, and blogs like DaddiLife and DadPad create safe spaces for fathers to share their experiences, seek advice, and offer support. Being part of these communities can remind you that you’re not alone in your struggles, and sometimes hearing how others have overcome similar challenges can be just what you need.
Conclusion: Staying Strong for Your Family Starts with You
Fatherhood is one of life’s greatest gifts, but it also comes with its share of challenges – mentally, emotionally, and physically. And while it can feel like all the pressure is on us to keep everything running smoothly, the truth is, we can’t do it alone.
Taking care of your mental health isn’t just a luxury, it’s a necessity for being the best dad, partner, and person you can be.
From my own experiences – whether it was dealing with the chaos of a home birth without help, navigating life with undiagnosed ADHD, or hitting a point of burnout – I’ve learned that self-care and support networks are non-negotiable.
There’s strength in recognising when we need help, and even more strength in seeking it out.
Whether you’re a new dad or a seasoned one, maybe you just need to hear this: you matter.
Your mental health matters. By taking care of yourself, you’re doing more than just surviving fatherhood – you’re thriving in it, and your family will be all the better for it.
So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed or alone, reach out. Whether it’s to a friend, a professional, or even an online dad community, there’s always someone willing to listen and offer support.
Feel free to join the DadBlog FB page if you fancy a chat, or just leave a comment below. I’m happy to talk to anyone who needs it :)